Gundam Unicorn – 03: Taranto Redux

Soon this Zeke would have his whole world turned upside down.

The Federation Taranto-ing the Zeke Fleet, Marida is who you thought she was, someone other than Full Frontal is a lolicon, and Micott is not the most busted girl in Unicorn? This post is spectacularly late because Action Dirk is a better action hero and I am back on duty.

We begin today with the alleged brilliance of Full Frontal’s military planning, while supposedly he made sure that Links would find the Unicorn again, but I wonder how losing a bunch of your capital ships and most of your remaining mobile suits to a Feddie raid can qualify as brilliant. It’s like calling yourself a defensive genius when you allow the opposing team to get whatever they want. Kudos to Full Frontal for being particularly Zeke-ish when it comes to using all your men as expendables, but come on are we to believe that one star destroyer knock off with a partial complement of below average pilots is going to dominate the Earth Sphere? We all know that the Governor of Palau is a moron but how is it that the Zekes have no one with half a brain to tell Full Frontal that it is completely nuts to lose practically the whole fleet in one strike for the sake of making a grand deception.

Full Frontal shows up looking like Char, but not just any Char but one that has an extra thirty inches on his waist line and shows a particular interest in young boys instead of very young girls. While it is common for politicians to be incompetent Full Frontal is not only that he’s also overly large and completely out of shape. He’s still running around in that awful mask despite us all knowing who he is. It’s like he’s in perpetual denial that he will never grow old and still insists that he is young and athletic when his fencing days are well behind him and can barely fit in his old flight suit. He’s 0-3 against the Federation and yet thinks he can still come back. In ages past Char actually gave a damn about the scrubs that were fighting for him, he gave Kycillia a face full of bazooka , but now he’s sacrificing his troops wholesale and has yet to so much as insult the Governor of Palau. I’ll say it now Char is all washed up he’s not the man he once was he’s not even a shadow of his former glory. Even during his CCA days he was still able to seduce underage girls, but now the only tail he’s getting is from a deranged boy that puberty and combat skills skipped.

The Zekes aren’t built for a marathon they can barely play one year of war and have been in a drought for 17 years. The Governor of Palau made the cardinal mistake of signing Char to a ridiculous 10-year $275 million contract and getting such poor production that Jorge Posada looks like an all-time great in comparison. Char has no more good wars left in him and I would not be surprised if the Feddies continue to sweep him in the ongoing war year after year because Char does not have the heart of a champion. You look at Char’s record and aside from his rookie year the only time he has managed to better himself was during his AEUG days. Since then he’s been on a long slow decline he’ll never be the man he once was and this fat body that we see now barely looks like him aside from the hair color.

The rest of Team Zeon is also looking worse off than usual. Ersatz Dilandu is not a crazy confidence guy, he’s simply crazy with poor production to boot. For damn near 60 minutes this guy had only one kill that was pretty much an assist from Char because ersatz-Dilandu can’t create his own kill. Left alone with another Zeke he could not hit the ocean with a beach ball and was expecting Links to stay put while he sniped from a distance. His shots from downtown are atrociously bad he’s well past 0-17, he’s 0-40 from long range. There is no other pilot in Unicorn that has pretentions to greatness and leadership as this guy. He can’t even be an enforcer with his poor shooting performance. He runs away from the knife fight like he runs away from a mirror. Still I’d like to see that miracle interview Char gave to the Governor to get that job along with ersatz-Dilandu because I cannot see how this is in any way a good hire for the betterment of Zekes everywhere.

Char’s underwhelming defensive strategy aside it seems that Marida is exactly who we thought she was, and I am not just talking about her being a cheap whore. Marida is a knock off new-type and a clone of Puru, this in and of itself doesn’t mean that she’s jumping into bubble baths for all to see, but instead she seems to be a fan of the worst kind of body art. Forget about tattoos Marida has been selling herself off as an abused fake girlfriend and more than one encounter has left a lasting mark. Now I do not want to judge Marida for taking on the profession of prostitute, but clearly her choice of clientele was stupendously stupid, maybe if she plied her trade on a Federation run colony she might not have become damaged goods so quickly, because we all know that Zekes really feel like a man when the push a girl around especially when she falls to the ground. Still the local Zekes really did a number on her not only did Marida lose a sizeable cut per customer but her health plan sucked and she had a medieval abortion. While I send my condolences to Marida I think she was probably better off since she would have been a terrible mother, Suberoa would have been a terrible father, and Palau is too broke to afford welfare.

Now to the two of you (you know who you are) who think that Suberoa and Marida met innocently on the street you need to have your heads examined. There is no way in the nine Mazinkaiser Hells that Marida was able to leave that brothel on her own to see anyone. Let’s not kid ourselves Suberoa meeting Marida was just as criminal and damning as Char meeting Lala. Suberoa was not a man of honor her was probably her best customer and fell for the whole “master” act. If you still need more than damning circumstantial evidence on par with OJ going down the highway in a Bronco in 1994, just look in his left breast pocket. Every brothel going Zeke likes to keep souvenirs other than venereal disease and I am sure Suberoa likes to keep his close to his heart. One can hope that Marida will show better judgment in the future but it seems that she has shacked up with Mr. Links so that day seems so very far away.

It’s not all bad news for the Zekes as Mineva proves once again that she is the smartest Zeke of them all and takes up a new prince in Riddhe. By and far the BEST choice Mineva has made up to this point in her life since Riddhe is a most worthy match of the landed type black sheep type just like her. While Mr. Links has habitually lacked guts Riddhe wasted no time in making plans to make off with Mineva and the Delta Plus. Like any awesome girlfriend Mineva even encouraged Riddhe to take care of his comrades and shoot up some Zekes, while there might be three of people out there who think Mineva is monstrous for this, the truth is rather simple. She trusts Riddhe to send the Zekes packing not go head hunting and scalping them like Mackle would. When we all look back on this Mineva and Riddhe make total sense and this is the tipping point that we will look to when they secure the OTP crown for this series. Mr. Links was done in less than three episodes while Riddhe becomes Mineva’s knight in Delta-Plus.

Keeping with the feel good vibe words cannot convey how righteous and awesome, for the most part, Mackle’s “I’m a Federation Cog” speech. The only thing that keeps it from being less awesome that ZEON IS EXHAUSTED is that stupid conspiracy theory that it was all an inside job. Can we stop with the silly tin foil hat theories? Because if it really was the case it be the shittiest conspiracy of all since Mackle lived long enough to tell it. It’s like telling everyone that casinos are all conspiracies because the house always wins, or that the NFL Draft is unfair. But that is only part of the ballad of Mackle since he sadly had to eat plasma for the sake of making Links into something that looked like a man. While there are many ways to go out Mackle went down with pride and would have shown up Full Frontal were it not for ridiculous plot armor that made a camera eye impervious to a point blank missile shot. At any rate Links showed flashes of what she should have been and not that whiney loser that we had to endure for three episodes.

Speaking of heroic ends I’ll tell you who did not die heroically, Gilboa Sant. There are plenty of causes that are worth dying for but taking a hit for Full Frontal should not be one of them. Full Frontal has the one suit in the Zeke arsenal that will not lose a bolt until it is time for a mid-season upgrade, while Gilboa has a low end Geara Zulu. When Full Frontal gets exposed for being the fraud we’ll all think he is during the course of the series leaving behind your wife and three kids will go down as one of the dumbest decision by any character. You can’t feel confident about his widow being able to feed three kids, you can’t feel confident that his eldest son is going to be anything more than a suicide bomber, and you can’t feel confident that his youngest daughter is going to end up in any place other than a brothel on Palau. No matter how you look at it Gilboa Sant has fucked up big time for himself and for his family, because at the end of the day you cannot make the case that saving an overweight has-been was totally worth hosing your family tree root and branch.

As for one more decision of questionable intelligence why haven’t they killed off Micott yet? She serves no purpose but just to pout jealously over Banagher and then comes to the conclusion that getting in the way of Riddhe and Mineva eloping is going to help her somehow. Right then and there Riddhe was doing Micott a favor and yet Micott was ready to rat them out. Love may make you do crazy things but Micott is doing stupid things. The one good thing to come out of Micott’s creepy stalker act is that if it comes to a girl fight over Banagher it will be her against Marida which is a very good match up since Mineva has no chance against Micott in a knife fight.

That’s it for this post hope to rip Zeon on time next time whenever the next episode comes out.

These Ninjas will totally nail it.

Well I guess Marcenas isn't into pimiping his rides.

Riddhe is not happy that Micott can't take a hint.

You know Micott if Riddhe takes Audery away Links is all yours...

Don't worry kid your dad did not raise any death flags...

So begins the Feddies' explosive offense.

We made it out of a stronger metal than gold.

Full Frontal put all his ships in a row...

The Federation would like to thank Full Frontal for his military brilliance that allowed them to Taranto his fleet.

IN YOUR FACE MOTHER FUCKA!

If only they put so much effort into piloting as they did their garish paint jobs...

So the Feddies went into their base and started killing their dudes.

Some Zeke is going to get a face full of missile.

This was that Zeke.

SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM.

I think ersatz-Dilandu mistook purple for Pink.

To be honest just because he looks like a Black Tri-star don't mean he fights like one.

OH GAWD ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO SING...

It's like he has a ghetto pass...

Riddhe tells Links that Ms. Burn and him are dating.

Yes Links that makes you one of the seven evil exes...

This Zeke suffered crippling damage.

So we are going to have a Macross Moment, Mr. Links you're Ranka.

The lightning is an indication that Marida has offended Zeus...

So sad that Links didn't punch Marida in the cockpit.

Full Frontal has boldly declared that he is the Paramount lolicon and shouta-con.

Suberoa was hoping that he would get that title.

Marida starts seeing red... not a moment later Taj Gibosn did...

THIS.

THEN THIS.

So basically breathing on Marida does this much damage.

Man it seems like every Zeke is obsessed with effeminate boys...

Welcome to Palau, this was during the good times before they built Full Frontal's love nest.

As the main attraction Marida often played doctor.

Seems like Suberoa was a frequent patron of Marida's "arts".

Well it looks like Links got over Mineva quick.

I wonder why they don't keep their balaclavas on.

Make sure their sacrifice was no in vain!

So that's where Char's ball went.

What few remain...

Translation: Marida has had an interesting love life.

Some one got carried away with hawt lurvin...

Zekes claim this wound resulted from Marida being smoking hot.

Suberoa keeps his loli pics close to his heart.

Yeah I think she comes from Miami.

No time like TEA TIME.

Mackle did not like how Mr. Links was demanding sugar for his tea.

Once again Mr. Links has to take his Gundam test again, it took him three tries to pass the written test.

Zekes keep missing because they shoot from the hip.

If only that dumb pilot kept the eye on the prize, but stubbed his toe and raise another death flag.

So basically ersatz-Dilandu jacks up 40 shots and gets 0 hits.

Sadly I doubt that Marida is truly of Meltrandi lineage despite her vacuum breathing ability.

Mackle had no other choice but to make one last bid to make Links a man.

Full Frontal was easily distracted by shiny things.

IN YOUR FACE.

Now that is the best Sinanju has looked in 3 OVAs.

This is lame Full Frontal gets a face full of missile and the optics don't get cracked.

LINKS YOU HAVE TO MAN UP.

So goes down a Hero.

So finally Links loses the Zeke defender like Barea blasting past a Laker guard.

Ersatz-Dilandu was going for a Bynum class cheap shot, but would never connect...

This is why you do not buy Made in Zeon.

Full Frontal made a Full Retreat...

Some Ultimate Technique...

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20 Comments

  1. ectholion
    Posted May 28, 2011 at 6:33 am | Permalink

    Marida was a child sex slave, not a whore. Her situation was and still is tragic, since i also doubt that Suberoa was searching brothels for cyber newtypes, which means him or someone he knew went there looking for some action. I would say his greater crime is the fact that he didnt really save her since he made her into a terrorist, which prove he is only using her. she is a tragedy created by zeon and their cloning operation, became more of a tragedy by their abandonment of her and her decent into slavery, and more a tragedy that they have forced her to once again pick up the role of being a terrorist. -As for full frontal he is not char, he is a silly shorta con who is trying to ride on the glory of the late char. -as for the guy with the urchin’s i hope his detested children do not become suicide bombers, and that his daugther does not become a whore, since that would just be too cruel to wish on anyone. aside from all that i like your post….. p.s. GO HEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Crusader
      Posted May 28, 2011 at 3:13 pm | Permalink

      I remind you that the tragedy was that all her patrons were Zekes. As for Suberoa HE WENT there because after all what kind of idiot confesses to doing bad things to little girls? I bet Suberoa was her most frequent customer and the one who did most of the damage before he realized what she was.

      There is no hope for the Sant Children none, it’s not a matter of wishing them that fate it will be their fate because Palau is a fucked up colony.

      Cheer for the Heat if you must you bandwagoner I’ll say this much though no one expected the Mavericks to make it this far. Everything seems to point towards the Mavs being Men of Destiny a bunch of grizzled veterans with some undrafted players is going for broke against three self proclaimed Kings. Nothing has withstood the Mavericks who swept the Lakers and humbled the Thunder without cheap shots and inflicting injuries. The Mavericks team that no one saw coming led by a German determined to prove his superiority one last time against Udonis Hasbeen who has made a come back. The vaunted Heat will face something hitherto unseen for their defense, ball movement and an unguardable player. At stake is Cuban’s quest to better the NBA and a Heat dictatorship, may the Heat chip and shatter like their cheap shot that took out Rondo.

      • ectholion
        Posted May 28, 2011 at 6:16 pm | Permalink

        I dont think it matters who her patrons… its a matter that there was partons, and as to where it was im not so sure if it was on earth or in the colonies but rest assured brothels and sex slaves exist is both places. as for the urchins i beg to differ do to the crushing defeat the federation gave to neo neo neo ect…… zeon palau will hopefully recieve funds from the federation to clean up the place to win the hearts and minds. But yea as i was saying the tragedy of Marida was started and is still continued by the zekes, they are heartless bastards she deserves a house in the country and years of therapy which should be billed to zeon. Oh i was greatly irked at sunrise for making it seem like the worst part of all that happened to her was that she can no longer bear children…. that was a wtf moment, first i mean i highly doubt she is capable of taking care of herself after what she’s been though let alone a child… p.s. we shall see as always I shall stand by my Heat!

        • Crusader
          Posted May 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm | Permalink

          Had she fallen in any other Feddie held colony her chances of meeting someone kinder of heart would have gone up immeasurably. Instead she landed in Palau where the people are more interested in money than in decency. I am more than certain that it was Palau or some where Zeke held since a Royal Guardsman would not be allowed to move about so freely in Federation Territory.

          As for the Feddies just giving the Zekes money, not likely and not wise, as given how stupidly the Palau government was wasted its funds. Give the Zekes money and they will use it all on the palace budget.

          As for not having children, hey this is coming from the country that once referred to women as birthing machines, I have a feeling that they hold domestic motherhood as the be all end all when it comes to happiness for a woman.

          You can stand by that three-headed serpent all you like but it seems as if a Teutonic Knight along with his merry men are going to try and pull a St. George

          • Ryan
            Posted July 23, 2011 at 5:49 pm | Permalink

            do you think the japanese are evil, because some of your comments elsewhere and the liberal use of the word jap gave the impression.

  2. Whatsht
    Posted May 28, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Permalink

    I’m beginning to think that Marida has Meltradi blood in her.

    • Crusader
      Posted June 2, 2011 at 12:23 am | Permalink

      Time will tell. I doubt it though…

  3. MrTerrorist
    Posted May 30, 2011 at 4:20 am | Permalink

    When will you be reviewing Kämpfer für die Liebe?

    • Crusader
      Posted June 2, 2011 at 12:24 am | Permalink

      Most likely this coming weekend. Hard to limit the screen caps…

  4. d3v
    Posted June 1, 2011 at 1:10 am | Permalink

    I loled at the Macho Man “Slim Jim” references, even if the image used was one of a smelly Zeke.

    • Crusader
      Posted June 2, 2011 at 12:25 am | Permalink

      Sad to see the end of the Macho Man. God rest his soul.

  5. grss1982
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 7:02 am | Permalink

    “We made it out of a stronger metal than gold.”

    LOL!!!! JUST LOL!!!!!

    • Crusader
      Posted June 13, 2011 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

      To be fair Char did like to show off his bling.

    • ectholion
      Posted June 16, 2011 at 9:39 pm | Permalink

      “Right then and there Riddhe was doing Micott a favor and yet Micott was ready to rat them out.” Micott is yandere to the core she does not wish for her rivals to run off and elope she wishes them death at her own hands! No doubt she had plans for Minerva, Micott shall kill off all competition and tie Mr. links to a bed, for she is a follower of the late Kotonoha Katsura and would like nothing more than a nice boat trip with Mr. links head. Of course this is after she guts all rivals :)

      • Crusader
        Posted June 16, 2011 at 11:13 pm | Permalink

        Well if that is the case she better start soon, and she should start with Marida. After all Marida is still injured and out of her cell…

  6. Posted June 16, 2011 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    I do agree on your thoughts regarding Gilboa vs. Mackle’s deaths; but I think they’re played off masterfully. Mackle’s death is appropriately tragic and heroic, but Gilboa’s just seems raw and unfair; which I think is really excellently done due to what we’ve been shown of Full Frontal.

    Perhaps it’s because we see so much less of him, or perhaps because of his character design, but Full Frontal comes across as much more sinister and much more ruthless a villain than Char ever did. Char always sort of had this sort of fallen nobility that seemed somewhat genuine; and his turn as a protagonist in Zeta certainly helped that perception.

    Frontal, on the other hand, strikes me as much more villainous, but not outrightly so – it’s really a subtle thing, more revealed through how callously he seems to react to the sacrifice of his suboordinates. Sure, you might argue that he’s only being militarily pragmatic, but Frontal seems to show only as much grief and care as is socially required, rather than out of any emotion.

    • Crusader
      Posted June 16, 2011 at 11:33 pm | Permalink

      Oh Full Frontal is plenty villainous alright he should be arrested for larceny and grand theft at this point. While selling the lives of your underlings is evil, I can’t help but think that Full Frontal is spending their lives wastefully. I can’t see there being any pragmatism in killing your own dudes wholesale nor can I make the argument that losing most of your fleet for the sake of appearances is a good idea. Pragmatism implies that Full Frontal has some hint of intelligence but I am not seeing much of it on display other than the half assed “All seeing eye” thing he has going with he’s tracking his opponent’s every move, that his intel is dead right every time… He’s not exactly Sauron when it comes to devious schemes or Morgoth when it comes to meting out vengeance. Personally I think his subtle acts are more about him not putting in maximum effort than some trickster talent.

      Full Frontal has a plan for winning but we all know he’s in for a devastating loss because he doesn’t have the heart of a Champion and there seems to be plenty of QUIT in his game as he begged Banagher for a time out in the last few minutes to beg for his life.

      Full Frontal is plenty villainous as his girth says everything about him, from him not doing the grunt work to begging only for his life and no one else’s.

      Gilboa’s death was unfair but hey the man made a terrible decision and now he has to deal with the consequences or at least his family will because in Mazinkaiser hell he’ll be too busy receiving punishment for being stupid.

  7. Ghost of Delaz
    Posted July 12, 2011 at 8:15 pm | Permalink

    Outright disgusting that you would think that zeon is dead. The fact that they’ve fought the federation for so long is only testimony of how powerful zeon’s will is. Crusader you are a blind devotee of the federation and that is simply revolting. We the Zeon supporters will never back down!

    SIEG ZEON!!!

  8. feddieknight1993
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 3:35 pm | Permalink

    You’re just an insensitive prick who doesn’t really get the whole thing, do you?
    I mean, do you honestly think she would’ve faired better in a Feddie colony? It would’ve been the same, as paedophiles (unfortunately) plague the entire world, and will continue to do so in the future.
    I used to like your posts, and I laughed at what I thought was sarcasm, but now I see that you are a black-and-white thinking person who has no consideration for anyone’s suffering.
    I mean, you comment stuff like that about Marida, who is a cartoon/anime/whatever character; I bet you are oen of those guys who says that the millions of German women raped in WWII deserved because they were Germans. That’s just disgusting.
    Myu girlfriend was horribly abused as well, and I seriously don’t like it when people make comments like that about people who were sexually abused as children, even if they are fictional.

    FUCK YOU VERY MUCH, my dear Crusader.

    • Zaru
      Posted March 5, 2012 at 1:01 pm | Permalink

      Agree with this dude.

      What you posted was rather cruel hearted and very insensitive. And I actually did like your sarcasm and funny posts.

      But there was a line, and you sir just crossed it, violated it, fired napalm at it and sat back and took a drag.

      Sure, Marida is fictional, but she is a real representation of some girls across the world in impoverished nations like in Africa and Asia. And you just spat in their faces.

      To quote feddieknight:

      *ahem*

      FUCK
      YOU

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