Sola Order of Battle: Primary Players

Yeah Sola fills me with murderous rage, anger, and sadness all at the same time. Where is my flammenwerfer 35?

So after a Sola marathon I have been basking in all the stabbiness over a pile of paper. Thus far I have not been disappointed in the pacing and I have a vague idea of where we are headed though I am not making any bets. To those of you have yet to give Sola a try I recommend it if only for the blood spilled for a flimsy doormat. Getting over the obsession with the sky is about the only real challenge as we get to hear the doormat scream in some well deserved anguish over his/its misdeeds.

With the series coming to a close its time declare which of these wretched souls and ghouls end up being reviled or celebrated. For the purposes of this post I will be using a points system and give each a title based off my most studied conflict, political correctness and math be damned.

Spoiler Alert

Morimiya “the Shreiker” Yorito

My life is just like a dark abyss. Its so dark and grips me so tight, tighter than a pair of Nee-san’s jeans. They look great on me by the way.

Assessment:

• +20 Cool kick ass nee-san
• -10,000 Doormat
• -100,000 Blue balled hentai
• +10 Easily toyed with by Mana, Aono, and Matsuri
• -10 Dogged insistence on doing something that means the death of another being
• +20 Ditches school and gets away with it
• +60 Two dates with Matsuri
• +50 One date with Aono
• -1,000 Ditching Aono in the middle of a dayto
• -100 Not dating Mana
• -500 Made Aono cry
• -500 Made Matsuri cry
• -500 Made Mana cry
• -10 Can’t scream for troll snot, he shrieks instead
• +10 Doormat shriek that is music to my ears
• -10 Stabs Matsuri
• +100 Gets impaled by Matsuri
• +100 Flammable

Final Score: -112,260

Rank: Vichy French mongrel, he is a bigger tool than Biggs Darklighter. Somebody hold him to a flame he needs to burn! He’s a doormat, nothing more to be said. Though I get a strong suicide lovers vibe from this douche bag. I hope he burns alone. I hated every love suicide story I was forced to read, real crappy literature of people choosing to be fucked and doing stupid shit and then asking why after the fact…and they can’t even kill themselves properly.

Verdict: Pretender

Moriyimiya “das Paper” Aono

This not the face of killer, she could never harm any one. Nope Aono-san is just a simple origami master, who happens to like rainy days…

Assessment:

• +1000 Tier one fighter
• +100 Paper based weaponry
• +50 Cute loyal sidekick
• -100 Likes doormat
• +10,000 Pink dress
• +10,000 Different hairstyles
• +500 Steadfast foe
• +20 Plushie aesthetics
• -100 Committed suicide
• +100 Goes straight for the kill
• +100 Can cook
• +1,000 Ribbons
• +100 Sickly for a reason
• +1,000 Unrequited love
• +500 Stabbed Matsuri
• +2,000 Used Yorito to do it
• +300 Onee-san
• +30 Level 3 Tragic Aura

Final Score: 26,600

Centuries of mastering hair indeed. So that’s how she went on undetected…Superb camouflage, bravo.

Rank: Prussian Panzer Grenadier of Lehr Divsion with Iron Cross with oak leaves, swords, and diamonds. Seeks to destroy her enemy with out compromise. How she wins the heart of doormat is irrelevant if there is only one choice. Methodical planning is her modus operandi backed up with formidable martial prowess, without the tether of sanity that is the pile of paper she would be dangerous indeed. Too bad she won’t win the war, since there is always something to befuddle her plans. I hope she gets over her fixation with Yorito, the douche is already dead what’s once more around the same block. Besides it is a waste of trees to build another. Aono should just buddy up with Mana and adopt Koyori as a younger sibling. Then given a few years we can have hawt yuri-sis-con. Its the de facto situation anyways. As for people being irreplaceable, doormats are expendable and Yorito is a doormat. Plus Koyori refers to herself in the third person, very cute.

Yeah she needs a miracle to pull off an upset. Though I sympathize with much of her plight having her paper brother simply run into Matsuri’s arms because of some lousy promise. Living that long must have been hard though I have to wonder if she just built her home out of paper or since being a paper master she made her own money…

Verdict: Contender

Shiho “Klingon” Matsuri

Mr. Clean eat your heart out. Now I feel like doing some laundry…

Assessment:

• -10 Promised girl status
• +100 Witty
• +200 Strings along Yorito
• +1,000 Impales Yorito
• +10,000 Non-uber quiet Noto role
• +10,000 Changes her hairstyle
• +1000 Tier one fighter
• +750 Level 20 Klingon engineer
• +10,000 Multiple outfits
• +100 Cute goth-loli sidekick
• +10 Choker
• -500 Shares Yorito’s plushie aesthetic
• +10 Tomato juice habit
• -100 Queen of sparkly moments
• +500 Thigh highs
• +20 Level 2 Tragic Aura
• -200 Requited love

Final Score: 33,800

Take her home tonight, don’t you let her go till you see the light. Be her little Yaka, be her little Yaka ohhhh…yeah yeah.

Rank: MI-6 operative. Good infiltration skills marred by love for flammable paper product. Like all British spies she is very charming and has everything in her favor. Likes her tomato juice shaken not stirred. Second wielder of the sword “Doormat killa,” forged on the dawn of last Thursday all who wield it are marked for epic maneuvers. Landslide victory predicted. I still hold out hope that the lover suicide scenario does not play out, its the cheapest way to try and make a tragedy. She does have a way with machines though.

I like Matsuri for trying to extricate herself from hurricane Aono, and for impaling Yorito. Still for having superhuman powers I cannot help but wonder why she never became a super hero. After all as being strictly nocturnal she could have created quite a legend for herself. Since there are other Yaka why do they remain alone? More over since Matsuri is not gainfully employed how did she earn money to begin with?

Verdict: Contender

Ishizuki “the Choppa” Mana

First one to make a cucumber joke dies! Still Mana is love, though she needs to give Yorito a Mana Chop. Ah, a happy Mana is the most endearing Mana.

Assessment:

• +100 Best friend
• +1,000 Mana scowl
• +1,000 Mana chop
• -10 One hairstyle
• +10,000 Multiple outfits
• +1,000 Quirky friends
• +300 Onee-san
• +10,000 Helped doll up Matsuri
• +500 Seifku
• +500 Waitress outfit
• +10,000 Working member of society
• +500 Kawaii imouto
• +900 Excellent powers of deduction
• +1,000 Gets along with all other girls
• +50 No dates with Yorito
• +1,000 Unrequited love
• -100 Likes Yorito
• +750 Most apron scenes
• +100 Can cook
• +40 Excellent sense of plushie aesthetics
• +500 Shared bed with kawaii imouto
• +700 Never had a chance
• +100 Mere mortal

Final Score: 40,180

So I heard that Yorito is into lolis. Oh really? Get away from the hentai Koyori, yes slowly. Slowly almost there…

Rank: Allied Supreme Commander. The great mediator of the Sola clique, though marred by loyalties to a mere scrap of paper she is the unsung hero of series. Her contributions to the series cannot be over looked. Without her Yorito might not have been pushed to learn that he is flammable. Nor would we be graced with a dolled up Matsuri with pony tail and twin tails. It is a great tragedy that we were Mana screwed (nerdgasm from old M:TG gamer). With the least amount of screen time devoted to her she was unduly shafted for being the nice girl. As for getting the last confession in the 4th grade I suspect that yorito has been sabotaging her suitors, no freaking way is an independent lady with intelligence over looked. At the very least boys would be lining up for homework help.

At least Mana and Sae can run off to Yuri-land in the wake of the Yorito burning. If I had the means she would get her own series where she is the heroine. Given the similarities with Mikuru-ran’s combat waitress outfit with her work clothes, they can be a team in a SHnY spin-off, here’s one for wishful thinking. I just hope she gets a good happy ending.

Verdict: Unjustly sidelined, though any come back will be epic.