I’m so poor that I have to steal other people’s photos. Now if only I can steal the figure as well… wait, I mean no! I don’t want your damn merchandise!
Everyone loves anime merchandise, right? Wrong. Merchandise is evil. Consider these facts:
Fact: Merchandise ruins friendships.
Fact: Merchandise sucks out your soul and eats your spleen.
Fact: Merchandise turns 20,000 children into paraplegics every year.
Fact: Merchandise makes you impotent.
Fact: Merchandise kicks puppies.
Okay, so we’ve established that Merchandise is evil. But what IS Merchandise? According to Dictionary.com, merchandise is the “manufactured goods bought and sold in any business”. Well I say fuck dictionaries. Why be a blogger if I can’t even mis-define or make up words once in a while? Merchandise, for the purpose of this post, means the evil, evil things that are related to an anime, but isn’t the anime itself, that anime producers sell in order to feed their cocaine habits.
Some examples of merchandise:
- Character songs;
- Figurines and plamos;
- Art/Character books;
- Dakimakuras;
- Cosplay costumes;
- Mugs, shirts, etc. with prints of anime characters on them;
- and those goddamn posters in Megami.
You’re probably thinking right now, “Wait Lupus, why the unjustified hatred against anime merchandises? What have they ever done to you?” Well I’ll tell you what. THEY KILLED MY FATHER. Okay, that’s not entirely true. Maybe only 70% true. Or less. Or not even true at all, but you don’t know that.
Anyway, Merchandise is evil. Notice how I’m using a proper noun? That’s how evil Merchandise is. It’s not the normal type of evil either. It’s one of those “Hey-ain’t-I-such-a-nice-guy-let-me-into-your-house!”,-then-turn-around-and-steal-all-your-stuff,-piss-on-your-toilet-seat-and-push-your-grandma-over evil.
Why does Merchandise exist? Apart from feeding the producers’ drug habits, I mean. Economists always run around touting their silly theories of supply and demand and the invisible hand (that’s crack working, right there), so presumably Merchandise only exist because there are people who want it.
You probably buy merchandise because you think you want it. Those of you who are already neck deep in the stuff probably even think that you need it. Did you buy all 9 different Haruhi character singles? Are you buying all the Lucky Star character boxes? Do all the figures you own together weigh more than you*?
You have already fallen into their trap! You don’t need merchandise, you don’t even want it! Stop buying merchandise today and help anime producers break their drug habits, and at the same time break your addiction to useless lumps of plastic! Look at me, I’ve watched anime since I was born and I don’t own any anime merchandise, and I feel absolutely fine.
So, the moral of the story (lulwut) is this: STOP BUYING ANIME MERCHANDISE, AND I DON’T HAVE TO BE SO DAMN JEALOUS.
*If you own figures and answered in the negative, you probably weigh more than a whale, and you’ve already lost at Life.
This pointless and meaningless post is brought to you by one sad, merchandiseless chump.
17 Comments
you didnt say how merchandise killed your father
PVC axes…
how exactly did merchandise killed your father? @@
I’m picturing something like the Collyer brothers….
Nice post.
All the merchandise fans are probably going to read this and go ‘poor, poor, merchadiseless Lupus, let us find him and turn him over to the true path with the full weight of our EVIL FLAMING KATANAED BIKINI CLAD AYANAMI REI POSTER SUPER INFINITE SPIRAL PVC STATUE.’
I LOL-ED…I guess that means I should start flashing my merchandise around luppie more. He will be happy.
If anime merchandise killed your father, shouldn’t you be hunting down more of them for vengeance? Besides, one interesting thing to note is that COSPA anime shirts cost about 40 Singapore dollars and are rather high quality, especially those which don’t have explicit anime prints, just logos of your fav stuff. I’ve been buying those instead of the usual brands.
anime merchandise blew our TV… =\
Anime merchandise killed my wallet
Where’s the donate button?
@david: check this website out for more details on donations!
Cheers!
*wonders what series did that figurine pictured come from.* if it’s from you’re under arrest, i’ll take it off your hands.lol
Actually, you don’t need your spleen. Whether you need your soul or not is arguable. ^^
Merchandise is evil. That’s what makes it so attractive.
There’s a reason why girls like bad boys.
They are evil, as are merchandise.
Sadly, I will go on a buying spree once YUA:FT merch comes out.
lol, just noticed… wtf is that taiko no tatsujin drum mascot doing on the model? XD
What, people actually want to know how it happened? Okay, here’s the story.
A box of PVC figures of Shizuka-chan fell on his head, and he was hospitalised. There he spent a month in a coma before waking up, but fortunately there was no permanent damage. When he was released from hospital, he immediately returned home and lived happily ever after.
The end.
HardCheese: oh please no. It’s bad enough just occasionally glimpsing them on AnimeNano.
Impz: Don’t force me to come over to Singapore and murder you and fake your will >.>
TJ: I’d NEVER wear a shirt with anything related to anime on it. It’s like saying “HEY LOOK I’M A GIANT GEEK COME RIDICULE ME!”
Rollchan: How’d THAT happen? O.o
Nekonron: Pffft, real man don’t use wallets. I just carry a (very small) wad of cash in my pants pocket.
Hatori: If you click on the image, you can go to the website where I got it from. It’s Asuza from IdolMaster. And I don’t have this figure either… it looks great doesn’t it?
Apexantapex: I’m pretty sure I’d be better off with my soul. It’s like, I don’t really need my left leg, since I drive with my right, and I don’t even walk anywhere, but not having a left leg would be pretty inconvenient.
Super rats: Noooooooo, you’ve already fallen for their trap!
Mr. Admin: I thought of the same thing when I first saw that photo on Happy Soda… probably just Namco advertising.