I’m so poor that I have to steal other people’s photos. Now if only I can steal the figure as well… wait, I mean no! I don’t want your damn merchandise!
Everyone loves anime merchandise, right? Wrong. Merchandise is evil. Consider these facts:
Fact: Merchandise ruins friendships.
Fact: Merchandise sucks out your soul and eats your spleen.
Fact: Merchandise turns 20,000 children into paraplegics every year.
Fact: Merchandise makes you impotent.
Fact: Merchandise kicks puppies.
Okay, so we’ve established that Merchandise is evil. But what IS Merchandise? According to Dictionary.com, merchandise is the “manufactured goods bought and sold in any business”. Well I say fuck dictionaries. Why be a blogger if I can’t even mis-define or make up words once in a while? Merchandise, for the purpose of this post, means the evil, evil things that are related to an anime, but isn’t the anime itself, that anime producers sell in order to feed their cocaine habits.
Some examples of merchandise:
- Character songs;
- Figurines and plamos;
- Art/Character books;
- Cosplay costumes;
- Mugs, shirts, etc. with prints of anime characters on them;
- and those goddamn posters in Megami.
You’re probably thinking right now, “Wait Lupus, why the unjustified hatred against anime merchandises? What have they ever done to you?” Well I’ll tell you what. THEY KILLED MY FATHER. Okay, that’s not entirely true. Maybe only 70% true. Or less. Or not even true at all, but you don’t know that.
Anyway, Merchandise is evil. Notice how I’m using a proper noun? That’s how evil Merchandise is. It’s not the normal type of evil either. It’s one of those “Hey-ain’t-I-such-a-nice-guy-let-me-into-your-house!”,-then-turn-around-and-steal-all-your-stuff,-piss-on-your-toilet-seat-and-push-your-grandma-over evil.
Why does Merchandise exist? Apart from feeding the producers’ drug habits, I mean. Economists always run around touting their silly theories of supply and demand and the invisible hand (that’s crack working, right there), so presumably Merchandise only exist because there are people who want it.
You probably buy merchandise because you think you want it. Those of you who are already neck deep in the stuff probably even think that you need it. Did you buy all 9 different Haruhi character singles? Are you buying all the Lucky Star character boxes? Do all the figures you own together weigh more than you*?
You have already fallen into their trap! You don’t need merchandise, you don’t even want it! Stop buying merchandise today and help anime producers break their drug habits, and at the same time break your addiction to useless lumps of plastic! Look at me, I’ve watched anime since I was born and I don’t own any anime merchandise, and I feel absolutely fine.
So, the moral of the story (lulwut) is this: STOP BUYING ANIME MERCHANDISE, AND I DON’T HAVE TO BE SO DAMN JEALOUS.
*If you own figures and answered in the negative, you probably weigh more than a whale, and you’ve already lost at Life.
This pointless and meaningless post is brought to you by one sad, merchandiseless chump.