On Courtship: The Legend of the Galactic Suitors

Designation: Liberty Prime. Mission: the Liberation of Mankind from Tanuki Propaganda. Primary Targets: Any and All Red Japanese Harem Leads. Emergency Communist Acquisition Directive: Immediate Self Destruct. Better Dead than Red.

While it has been some time since I last wrote on this subject it was Stripey’s heinous Jominian efforts to spread a spate of lies and propaganda to loser harem animu leads has forced me to create a Clausewitzian response. I also wished to restore the balance of power on the field of courtship because IKnight was ill at ease that there was no treatise for the menfolk. To be sure this article is not for the loser harem animu lead that only needs his mysterious musk to attract women. This guide is for the average man who lacks such miraculous powers and Marty Stu qualities and is in anime that is superior to harem. I am quite well aware of how women operate and my knowledge has compelled me to instead marry my job, nevertheless I am not without mercy and hope that in writing this some of you might happily put on the ball and chain of marriage or otherwise make yourself a nuisance to women everywhere, so that my years of slavery under their continued tyranny might be avenged if only slightly.

(Note there are LOGH spoilers aplenty)

Shock and Awe

If you think the one in the middle is the dude, I got news for ya…

The sad truth of the matter is that for some reason women like to praise each other’s good looks, and sense of style. Men, more often or not, do not do this for fear of catching “the gay.” As such those who have the daring to do what ever it takes to find some one to love, take the view that the ends fully justify the means. After all what is the price of a man’s dignity? Not worth nearly as much as staying single or worse yet a virgin. Shock and Awe, is a doctrine based on the use of overwhelming beauty, dominant aesthetic awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of femininity to paralyze a target’s perception of their feelings and destroy their will and ability to resist. It can only be used by a select few who are able to pull off the infiltration tactics necessary to make the best use of this doctrine. To this end since women often take more notice of other women, an infiltrator must do the utmost to look the part. Once that is complete one’s strategies must remain offensive, but the tactics defensive. The effort that must be put into looking the part by an infiltrator often creates a superior feminine sense of aesthetics that puts real women to shame as such an infiltrator will attract all sorts of attention from women and most terrifyingly of all other men. As such Shock and Awe requires superior situational awareness lest things go awry, getting attention is rarely an issue the primary danger remains attracting unwanted attention and singling out the desired target to bring forth acceptable levels of affection.

There are some risks if the infiltrator is discovered but the hallmark of a gifted practitioner is the ability to be openly male while looking the part in male attire. Not only do women pay more attention to an infiltrator, but they will often feel more at ease as well as many men make the mistake as coming off as being predatory and unscrupulously perverted. Not so with Shock and Awe as women will be asking for advice and will more readily accept a man as they will be asking him for fashion tips and the like and that alone makes for much less awkward conversation. Women are always dragging their men folk around on shopping trips as such an infiltrator has a distinct advantage in such adventures because they are capable of making recommendations (and as such exert some influence over what the target wears with the possibility of the infiltrator dictating the entire wardrobe to boot). Once trust is earned the rest is easy. As they say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, despite protestations to the contrary women love to be flattered. Women like bishounens and nothing a man can do will alter that, thus for Shock and Awe practitioners knowing that much is half the battle. After all why haggle over rules of engagement when the ones in place favor those who put in the effort? Time wasted haggling is time not spent lurvin.

Noted Practitioners:

At first it took me a while to realize it was not Sara.

Alto-hime (Macross Frontier) – The blood of Meltrans doth flow strong in this one. Raised since his childhood to out-women women, Alto-hime has perfected the art of infiltration to the point that the unwary often mistake hime for being a girl. Hime is a classic example of where an infiltrator is so adept that there is no shortage of admirers, many of them un-wanted and some of a less than savory nature. Nevertheless after years of oyama training hime’s skill set is indeed formidable where Ranka makes death pills out of cookies and Sheryl needs help chopping hime beats them both in being able to make something edible by himself. Such prowess by the time of hime’s sixteenth birthday was already second nature, and try as hime might to be a pilot the old oyama habits die hard. To be sure hime’s fame as the greatest Sakura-hime of his age if not all time, hime’s reputation earned the notice of nearly the entire female contingent of SMS. Coupled with hime’s skills as a pilot even Mr. Bilrer took notice as did Grace.

When the end came and hime donned the heirloom of the Nome family it suited hime to a startling degree. Even in the end the PR campaign for the movie could not hide the fact that hime blended in seamlessly and in some cases stole the spotlight altogether. Clearly between Sheryl and Alto-hime Miyo-sama’s undoubtedly fantastic wardrobe will be put to good use for years to come. The ultimate testament to hime’s prowess was when Grace admitted her first true defeat and took solace in the fact that the one who delivered the coup de grace was the greatest oyama that ever lived. Despite hime’s good looks he still boasts some decent combat abilities even as he is out classed by cyborgs, veterans, and Zentradi. Nevertheless being adopted by Meltrans is in itself its own reward, so what if hime looks like a girl? At least he has a Klan onee-chan and getting more female interest without being a loser harem animu male. As they say any female interest is good interest.

Yeah I think Mako-cakes is too far gone…

Mako-cakes (Minami-ke) – By far the only infiltrator to have taken it this far is Mako-cakes, and despite claims that he wishes to reclaim his manhood, there is no denying that Mako-cakes will pay almost any price to be near Haruka. Truth be told Mako-cakes has had the most success in getting closer to Haruka as rival Hosaka is being waylaid by Hayami, and Natsuki was MIA after being beat to a pulp by Haruka, I suppose the coward fled from Haruka the Terrible. Clearly dignity is a small price to pay by Mako-cakes’ book for getting a front row seat to a Haruka disrobing; he also got an unintended bonus when he was felt up by Haruka. Certainly there are those who say that a man’s dignity is not worth losing for getting closer to Haruka, to that I respond: your numbers are negligible and you are stupid, and/or possibly interested in only men; also may your virginity last forever. While most boys his age flee from girls in terror of the cooties, Mako-cakes has enlisted Uchida and fellow infiltrator Touma to keep his identity secret. Even if he’s no Kamina at least he will live long enough to enjoy his female company until puberty hits, and there are ways around that…

Mako-cakes’ reputation is indeed infamous to the point that brokenness became incredibly widespread and millions await in abject terror at the return of Mako-cakes. Given the lazy nature of women when it comes to chores (what you think that they like cleaning?), it is abundantly clear that should Haruka refuse out of concern for age, I am sure Touma will take him. At the very least Mako-cakes has many a year to spend with Haruka, which is more than can be said for the other potential suitors and admirers.

Guerre de course

Opportunism at its finest.

Otherwise known as “Raiding,” this doctrine is most often used by men who cannot stay in one place for very long, in complete opposition to the loser harem animu male who stays in one place and is often subject to retribution. However, on the flipside men who adopt Guerre do course will often find in their old age that all was for naught and they become despicable ero-ji. Thus for the greatest practitioners (Pyrates) the goal has always been to live a short and merry life. Women love the idea of a mysterious wanderer that will whisk them away to the far corners of the land on some sort of adventure. Indeed there is a slew of bodice ripper trashy romance novels that is proof positive that such women are out there, and if those publishers have survived this long then clearly their numbers are significant. They say a sucker is born every minute, while doubly true for men it is also true to an extent for women as well. While letters of marque are often granted or more often out right forged Pyrates roam the world and the universe in search of fleeting liaisons. Although they might never experience love, they will nonetheless have the experience of joy of the hunt and the thrill of the pursuit. While ideally Pyrates are not long for this world should life become exceedingly long it is they who feel the hard hand of Grandfather Time the hardest. Indeed it is often said that old Pyrates are often bitch slapped repeatedly by Grandfather Time in a temporal loop where time itself no longer advances. While suicide is often chosen only the best practitioners of Guerre de course find some way to die heroically and without the shame of an heroing oneself.

One last word of caution though, when starting out you must keep in mind that this a purely opportunistic modus operandi as such rookies are liable to get anything and everything that comes by. Just remeber just because you can doesn’t mean you should…

Noted Practitioners:

Cuz, old Walter wants to pay her a visit after he kills you.

Walter von Schenkopp (Legend of the Galactic Heroes) – While the number of lovers this man has had remains in dispute it cannot be said that his genes were some how inferior given how one of his daughters turned out. Nevertheless while many of his secrets died with him courtship theorists have surmised that as leader of the famed Rosen Ritter that formed the core assault force of Yang Wenli’s fleet Schenkopp was able to mover from one location to another without much trouble from the authorities as the needs of war took precedence. Given his reputation and that of the Rosen Ritter there were many women who suffered from khaki fever, it is to his credit or discredit that Schenkopp took full advantage of this, much to the lamentation of Admiral Attenborough. Whatever his misdeeds in love his reputation as peerless and gallant soldier often overshadow his many vices. His daughter would never forgive him fully for what he did, but he died a hero so at least his Katerose cannot spit on his grave, not only because of the law but because Julian respected him. He remains an example to all would be Pyrates, setting forth a high standard for martial might and martial honor to cover up his infamy as a womanizing cheat. It is said that he once remarked that it was far better to be controversial than to be universally loathed, the monument to him in the Soldiers’ Memorial on Phezzan is testament to his successful use of controversy.

Chevauchee

While Guerre de course advocates a more opportunistic approach a Chevauchee is much more proactive in creating vulnerable women. Don’t let the polite name fool you, a Chevauchee is essentially a grand raid undertaken to loot or destroy everything in one’s path to undermine the local authority’s power in demonstrating that you are above them and beyond whatever justice they might try to mete out. It is by far the most brutal doctrine to ever be employed it is still worthy or study if only because we must acquaint ourselves with the darker side of courtship. In Chevauchee the practitioner simply destroys every resource that a woman might posses, her family, wealth, property, and any other means of support. The objective is to so damage a woman’s circumstances that a burning desire for revenge is lit. If the one who initiated the Chevauchee the impending assassination attempt will be botched and then the rest is easy as the woman is all but helpless before the law as any assassination attempt is by default Murder in the First Degree, which often carries a harsh penalty. The downside is that not all would be women assassins are of sound mental health by this stage and if they still had their mental faculties intact, the impending assassination might very well succeed. The methods of Chevauchee are indeed brutal and there is little room for mistakes. It is in effect a risky gamble one that might cost the practitioner dearly.

Noted Practitioners:

Allegedly out of context…

Oskar von Reuenthal (Legend of the Galactic Heroes) – Reuenthal had it all good looks, power, and the ability to charm women. However his ruthlessness in dealing with the hated Lichtenlade family was far from complete and carried unintended consequences. There was one survivor of that accursed house who did make an attempt on his life, but the former noble woman was no warrior and was easily overpowered. What crimes were committed that day are too awful to contemplate, but by morning the last survivor of the Lichtenlade family was with child. Flush with success Reunthal’s own ego was inflated to a staggering degree that he willingly fought against his Kaiser in his quest for more power. The crushing of Reuenthal’s Rebellion was characteristically harsh and it is often said that he paid the price for his misdeeds. Had Reinhard not been alive perhaps it would have been Reuenthal that would have been Kaiser, but the heterochromatic womanizer was no match to Kaiser Reinhard who was his complete opposite when it came to the art of courtship. One can only wonder what would have been the outcome had Reunthal’s ways been more gentlemanly and his ambition lessened (Note: I declare the Britannian experiment to be a complete and utter failure, thank goodness Reinhard was a better Kaiser).

Mahan

If at first you don’t succeed…

The idea of having one Decisive Date is often mistaken for the penultimate form of courtship, such is never the case as love at first sight more often than not only applies to a single party, in the case our concern the male’s. This is one method that is only for those who are certain of their feelings and are willing to endure many months if not years of hardship in getting their feelings across. Women are perfectly capable of being as dumb, and at times, dumber than men to the point that they cannot see the likable bloke next to them in favor of other less devoted and less savory suitors. As such those who adopt a Mahanian strategy should be prepared for a long campaign and be fully prepared for initial rejection and a long stalemate. There is of course the very real danger of holding everything in reserve in preparation for a Decisive Date that might never come, and even if there is one a botched attempt at a premature Decisive Date might entail irreplaceable loss of treasure and materiel from which any further expenditure of effort is futile. While Orange-kun talks of loyalty the amount of loyalty required for a Mahanian strategy makes the Lance of Britannia look like Benedict Arnold.

Noted Practitioners:

Hard to imagine that Patrick use to get rides from blonde chicks. Now look at him, after Katie had dinner with him he sprouted wings…

Patrick Colasour (Gundam 00) -  Often the butt of everyone’s jokes poor Patrick tried his hand at Guerre de course and gained quite a reputation to he chagrin of other skilled and straight pilots. Nevertheless upon suffering the backhanded blow of love he fell hard for a woman that was quite out of his league when it came to intelligence. It was his misfortune to have fallen for Katie, but to his fortune that he was the only one (until recently) to try. While outwardly good humored and obnoxious poor Patrick knew that he was no ace, but in Katie he found a woman who could make a man out of him. Despite being book dumb Patrick pledged his loyalty to the only person in the world who could accomplish such a feat. He gave up his old ways and made many grand gestures to his beloved Katie. Night after night he went to her house and professed his undying devotion and love, eventually she had to give in if only to get a night’s sleep. Even when parted, Patrick improved his piloting skills to become an A-laws gofer (gofer coffee and the like) to rejoin Katie in the field. Such devotion ingratiated himself to his beloved and made her think for once that he was serious and not merely an idiot, but an idiot that was very much in love. Seeing as how many women like to believe that they are smarter than the men they marry Patrick had enough sense to take full advantage of this. Not only was he finally attaining some martial renown, but now he no longer had to think as hard for himself, and with Katie his infamous stupidity was reduced threefold. While Patrick is rather thick, he did manage to gain a real chance at marrying way above himself; given that women always marry beneath them it is to his credit that he managed so wide a disparity.

The man who conquered a galaxy…

Reinhard von Lohengramm (Legend of the Galactic Heroes) – Kaiser Reinhard was undeniably a military genius whose ambition and intelligence forged the greatest empire the anime has ever known that spans a huge expanse of space. Despite his military achievements when it came to courtship Reinhard was as helpless as a quadriplegic in a swimming pool. One day Reinhard got uncharacteristically sad and a lass named Hildegrad von Mariendorf went to set him straight. One thing led to another and they spent the night. Upon waking up the Kaiser was clearly smitten and being a gentleman wished to take full responsibility for what had happened. Now mind you the Kaiser had no idea that Hilde was with child, but that hardly mattered to Reinhard whose first and tragically last experience in love compelled him to make Hilde his wife and Kaiserin. Unfortunately or fortunately for Reinhard, Hilde was not a woman of such loose morals and spurned his advances telling him that she would carry the child to term without him. All that was Reinhard the Admiral was lost in Reinhard the Suitor and while he could have taken her by using his authority as Kaiser, he did not. Instead after a long campaign and embarrassing himself before his men, who were quite certain that their handsome Kaiser was above dallying with women, Reinhard finally won Hilde’s consent to marry him. The lengths to which Reinhard went are astounding and the full story can only be told if one watches Legend of the Galactic Heroes, to be sure it was completely unexpected.