If Impz thinks he can get all rabu rabu while the rest of us are single he’s got another thing coming… – Lord Kitchener
So once again it is Kimberley Liberation Day, the anniversary of the beginning of then Major General John French’s attempt to relieve the South African town of Kimberley that was the first in a series of British success that rekindled support for the last Imperial War and forced the Boers to resort to guerrilla tactics which were brutally dealt with by Lord Kitchener. So while the uncaring pairs of losers in love across the globe celebrate their so called love that will not last until death do they part I wish to spread the word on another holiday that ought to occur in concert with Adnan bin Saidi Memorial Day. While others deign to celebrate that lesser holiday known as Valentines or Singles Awareness Day, i hope you wall join me in marking this day in an altogether different and far more respectful manner. For on this day in the year 1900 over 100 years ago the British Empire had suffered a series of humiliating defeats at the hands of the Boers of Transvaal and the Orange Free State. Onto the stage came a polite tea drinking Englishman that led a cavalry attack that broke the 124 day siege of Kimberley that marked a dramatic turn in British fortunes in the Second Boer War. You see those lovey dovey otaku who are going out tonight have had their preconceptions colored by the heirs of a failed imperial power, known today as Akihabara who invented a cheap shoddy imitation empire known as the Britannian Empire that was full of fail and lose as they never drank enough tea. Back then when IKnight’s tea drinking ancestors were sipping tea in their colonies on every continent that mattered, the British did things that would make whiney emo commies (because we all know the people who bitch the most about empire are fucking communists) cry for years to come.
You see when war was war and there was no bullshit called chivalry or bushido malarkey to justify rape, those tea drinking English were ass kickers of the highest order who also hired other ass kickers like Sikhs and Gurkhas. This Second Boer War was the kind of war every peacenik forgets to study despite being a war with no real good guys and puts just about ever fiction writer who writes about war to shame. The cause of this war was really gold and diamonds, and no bullshit story has ever come up with a better awful casus belli than that. While the actions of John French and his men were important even more awful was the crap that followed. The Boers figured that they were better off using guerilla tactics, like those the pussies of the United States of Japan have yet to master, the British were at a loss of what to do until Lord Frederick Roberts devised a strategy of camps, blockhouses, scorched earth, and New Model tactics, which one Lord Herbert Kitchener brutally meted out to the Boers to crush them for good. You see unlike those fictitious Britannians the British understood that merely killing a Boer was not going to do it and by fencing off the land, burning down farms, salting the earth, at first rounding up the women and children, and later letting the women and children roam freely to weigh down the Boer commandoes was going to achieve far better results. It has been alleged that tea drinking Lord Kitchener LOLed at the Liberals who thought that keeping Boer women and children out of the camps was more merciful to leave them out there amongst the blackened ruins of their farms with no food at all. In fact it made perfect military sense as his sweeper groups were more able to run down Boer commandoes who had women and children in tow.
That is how Lord Kitchener became the public face of one of the most brutal and wildly successful anti-guerrilla campaigns ever waged, the combination of blockhouses, sweeper columns, cavalry raiders, scorched earth, and camps that killed not out of malice but out of apathy proved to be a winning formula for victory. The Federation could learn much from an unprincipled tea drinker like Kitchener to deal with Kataron. While a paltry 1000 dead can now be considered genocide and a raid is now an invasion and occupation, back in ye old days the scale was much greater and those who go out and make toasts this night are toasting to the tune of over 53,000 dead for some gold and diamond mines. The insult does not end there the terms for the Boer surrender were far too friendly and led to Apartheid (because those Boers were racists how’s that for GRIMDARK) which lasted until 1994, the scorched earth policy that resulted in untold devastation of agricultural lands that were rendered useless and made mining the primary basis for the South African economy for the immediate aftermath. The British learned to wear khaki as their bright red coats were bullet magnets, this then led to a few Germans getting really ticked off in 1914 when they found that those tea drinking British were cheating.
Before their defeat at Kimberley the Boers could have snatched victory, but after Kimberley, even with a guerrilla campaign their defeat was inevitable as Lord Kitchener had no problems putting people into camps, burning down farms, and relentlessly harassing the Boer commandos until they accepted his terms. So couples of the world may you enjoy your meals over the anniversary of the Kimberley turning point of the Second Boer War and the beginnings of Apartheid, you sick human beings. Also Adnan bin Saidi is rolling in his grave for giving up his life so that these two can pollute the internets.
21 Comments
This is why I read this website.
Hopefully, in the future we won’t face an enemy so vicious, proficient, and unreasonable that we are forced to revisit Kitchener’s tactics. They were brutal, to an extent that I hope is beyond us today, but considering that the British Empire appeared kind and gentle in comparison to the way the Boers treated the native Africans, I have little sympathy.
Oh, and can you stop using the phrase “Singles’ Awareness Day”? As you know, in an ideological conflict a few words can have more weight on the outcome than whole armies. By using that phrase, you seem to be acknowledging that there is something unfortunate about those unfettered by the shackles of romantic interest, that needs to be brought to others’ attention. This actually gives more ammunition to those you so despise. Might I suggest as a better alternative “Singles PRIDE Day”?
To possibly mis-quote the great John Oliver; “If we (Britain) haven’t had to apologise to you, at some point, then you weren’t a country in the 1800s”.
Now this is a Valentine’s Day post I can get behind!
Oh, and can you stop using the phrase “Singles’ Awareness Day”? As you know, in an ideological conflict a few words can have more weight on the outcome than whole armies. By using that phrase, you seem to be acknowledging that there is something unfortunate about those unfettered by the shackles of romantic interest, that needs to be brought to others’ attention. This actually gives more ammunition to those you so despise. Might I suggest as a better alternative “Singles PRIDE Day”? -Ian K
*thunderous applause* Here here!
Lady Cornelia Approves!
That said, I personally took the Aina route and I still miraculously have all my limbs.
Ech. I don’t think anyone really came out of the Boer war very well. But I can see why it’s an interesting war to study, and certainly it makes for an interesting Valentine’s Day post.
As for what to call Valentine’s Day, I just call it Valentine’s Day.
Yeah, there wasn’t much jus ad bellum OR jus in bello with this one.
Let us not forget what really happens when you take the kids’ gloves off during wartime:
Girls give you chocolates.
“Singles’ Awareness Day”
i like it, even more after i translated it into my language^^
@Ian K
As much things change many things stay the same, after all the British still drink their tea…
Singles Pride Day eh? That does sound a better
@Marmoset
Hehe, it’s true for the most part.
@Calawain
Indeed comrade I wonder how Impz can sleep at night…
@ghostlightning
If Only Cornelia-hime had a Lord Kitchener of her own.
@IKnight
Milner, Roberts, and Kitchener got off pretty well in the end, it also helped mold that crazy lunatic Churchill. There are always unintended consequences in war.
@Eirias
Mother England wanted bling and she got it.
@Dorian Cornelius Jasper
Those chocolates are at times lethal though…
@Adi
The wonders of translations…
It’s Adnan bin SAIDI. At least do your research before calling us unworthy Singaporeans out on it. :p
When I was in the army (in Singapore), we used to tell Gurkha stories at night to scare one another.
Man, Crusader is hot when he blogs it like that. XD
@Ascaloth
Dang It’s been a while since I reade that book, duly noted.
@The Sojourner
Gurkhas are only scary if you are the ones fighting against them.
@Solunar
Sure…Thanks…I guess.
The other side of Kitchener was his emo tendencies. According to one account I read, he bawled out in private to one of his aides the night before an operation that, “I hope it will be alright.” Also, he suffered a nervous collapse upon receipt of news of the defeat at Tweebosch and confined himself to bed for two days straight.
Then there is the matter of his “intense emotional friendships” with Conder, Fitzgerald and others. He had a habit of appointing young bachelor officers to his staff, and dismissing them upon their marriage. Apparently, his fragile psyche made him into something of an attention whore in his personal life.
@august
Well Kitchener’s fondness for emotional friendships might have had an altogether purpose. He was rumored to be a homosexual, at the time he was suspected to have a predisposition towards buggery like many officers who went on tours in Egypt and Sudan…
you learn something new everyday
i find this much more interesting than singles awareness day.
Uh, may you find love someday?
Do you know that Malaysia has also claimed Adnan bin Saidi to be their national hero? We all know how popular the man is. (:
@blind_dead_mcjones
The Second Boer War is a rather under studied conflict, still I hope it has peaked your interest on the matter.
@Omisyth
I’d rather find a job first…
@Hynavian
Still it’s a shame he does not get a day all to himself for his sacrifice.
Heh. Can’t say the historic figure Kitchener is seen in all that positive light over here in South Africa, especially amongst the Afrikaaners!
I personally find the tea refreshing and unique, but the tea does have a tendency to be a little bitter. Most people, however, drink this tea for its health benefits.
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