How Kawamori Trolled Me in IRL – Round 01: Morning Musume

Sometimes life can imitate art retroactively….this is the sea story of one such incident.

Well seeing as at the time of writing I have been in ordered into a short exile by my employer I might as well rant about all the bullshit I had to endure at AX from asinine panels to the underwhelming Masquerade since internet is slow here. After doing paper work and pretty much getting some military paper work done, though I need to put an APB on Impz and (I finally burned him out…) Haesslich for one little thing that will bring them great benefit for their rooms (all are at the time of writing frustratingly MIA), I have simply run out of things to do. Still I suppose it is probably best time to get the Morning Musume panel and concert out of the way. To be honest I went into AX ready to hold them in utter contempt since their handler, hence forth known as the Mouth of Sauron, was tossing her weight around the press junket and decided who it was that would get the “honor” of holding an interview with Morning Musume. Being a gaijin barbarian I had severely underestimated them…

Morning Musume when exposed to light…

Morning Musume at night…

For those who don’t know Morning Musume is basically the Menudo of Japan, only instead of boys they recruit girls who are under 23 (though age is not always the reason for “graduating”). The only thing I really knew before being exposed to their black magic was that most were born around 1989, in which case their ascension were heralded by an earthquake that struck San Francisco and split the Berlin Wall asunder. I probably should have read up on them before hand as they were the originators of the theme for AX that year. Perhaps then I would have come across this:

“Those who used the Nine Microphones became mighty in their day, bards, sorcerers, and warriors of old. They obtained glory and great wealth, yet it turned to their undoing. They had, as it seemed, unending life, yet life became unendurable to them. They could walk, if they would, unseen by all eyes in this world beneath the sun, and they could see things in worlds invisible to mortal men; but too often they beheld only the phantoms and delusions of Tsunku (a.k.a. Sauron). And one by one, sooner or later, according to their native strength and to the good or evil of their wills in the beginning, they fell under the thraldom of the microphone that they bore and of the domination of the One which was Sauron’s. And they became forever invisible save to him that bore the Ruling Microphone, and they entered into the realm of shadows. The Nazgûl were they, Morning Musume, the Ulairi, the Enemy’s most terrible servants; darkness went with them, and they cried with the voices of death.” –Record of the Lodoss War

Morning Musume’s Translator/Handler at AX’09

Their Fanclub HQ…

At the panel the Mouth of Sauron was pwning the noobs who dared to ask questions as not straight answer was given that the ignorance of their orc armies was evident as some did not know that a few of them has been voice actors for some anime series. Still if nothing else the host of Minas Morgul were certainly loud and numerous. Even if I think the Mouth of Sauron was all high and mighty she did have enough skill to shut people up and outright change their questions. Still after the Nine name dropped Pink’s Hotdogs I assume there might have been an even longer line there for some time. Well except Sunday since the Nine were summoned back to Barad-dur.

In any case while they roamed about Los Angeles they did address their infernal host of glow stick wielding Uruk-hai at a concert that I actually got a fairly decent seat for, even if I had to banish a few Mordor trolls to claim it. Like Earnur, 33rd King of Gondor, I was a fool for trying to challenge the Nine and for my impudence I was struck by Koharu “the Shadow of the East” Kusumi, Commander of Dol Guldur, with a Black Dart. It is true that their powers are greatly increased by the darkness, and that their Black Breath is indeed no joke, as I would discover to my utter horror. The only moment the faltered was when they hissed something about global warming, but even then their lethality was scarcely reduced. Such was my horror and subsequent stupor that I forgot to put the rest of my music onto my iPhone and only had their infernal shrieks from which I hoped to gain forbidden knowledge on the mics of power from which to mock them as having no talent. Coupled with the effects of their fell sorcery and my exile to Virginia with agonizingly slow internet meant I would have nothing else to listen to.

Already I can feel the weariness overtake me as their catchy songs become increasingly pleasant. Soon I will become a dwimmerliak in service of the dread captain of Dol Guldur as punishment for my insolence. It was as if I had been cursed by Glaurung himself as the one who bested me was a tall and fair lass of less than 20 winters and was the one who once donned the guise of Kirari from Kirarin Revolution. Oh unhappy fate for me to have been beguiled by a shojo heroine. Forever more, I shall love her and despair…

Kawamori was Right

It was as it were the perfect analogy…

He did it to me again…

I think it was ghostlightning who once mentioned in passing that Macross is full of fanciful BS, a song ending a war after all is rather fantastic. In any case I went into the concert as a man on a mission of malice out of pure fucking meaness, and I was expecting to loathe them (and write a post to incite a huge flood of hits from their white knighting hordes of fans, sadly some one already did something similar and successfully), but I really should have known better as a Macross Lifer. The power of song is certainly not to be underestimated and even if I didn’t understand much of it, their songs were catchy enough that I enjoyed myself. They probably can’t write a much of a song on their own, but still as a soldier who knows how brutal military drill can be (I was in color guard and drum corps when the world was young) I can respect them for working hard enough to do it for years at a time. Given that they never chose to be in the same group and were drafted to work together in a sense their dance routines seem all the more impressive for it since they all have to share the spotlight. I was ready and eager to call them the IRL Sakura-dan of White Album infamy. I was even prepared to go as far as mocking Jun Jun, as having been originally named Chun Li but was so backward they had to change it. Indeed my malice was quite excessive and my haterd unfounded. Nevertheless considering how rigorous their generational drafts (auditions) are and how the producer even went as far as taking no one at all in one audition, they are less like bard conscripts and more like bard commandoes.

I suppose I should have taken more heed of the bards of the Macross Universe. Even if Sheryl was irritating at first she became endearing because she worked hard to get where she was, even if Grace was the undisputed master of propaganda. I do think it was my respect for the great Sheryl-sama that I didn’t dismiss their efforts out of hand and operate under the assumption that their job was easy. Given that the media gives more of shit about them fucking up than me; I suppose not being under an electron microscope makes my job easier in that I can fuck up and not get in too much trouble supposing there is no body count of consequence. In the case of Minmay, she might have been a deplorable woman but she did have talent and the power of song. I suppose it was simply a case of life imitating art as the Zentradi were also laid low by an underage idol. In that sense I probably got what I deserved for walking into one of their concerts with an axe to grind before I even listened to their songs.

Bards like her do exist.

Life is funny, as at the time I just simply went to help cover the event, only to walk out a fan and picking out the 16, now 17, year old (I assumed that since they got graduated at their mid twenties that they ranged 17-22.) as the cutest since she was comparatively tall (which I assumed to be an indicator of age), hardly broke a sweat (Which I assumed was the result of years of strength and endurance training. After all dancers are among the fittest people in the world in terms of overall muscle strength, like a gymnast), and had a pony tail (a fatal weakness of mine in this case). My full horror only came about after reading the wiki article on them (truly ignorance would have been bliss). Ah well even if I can no longer give Char crap about choosing Lala Sune anymore, at least it was a young lass who is living the shojo heroine dream that robbed me of the moral high ground. At least I can give Char crap for having shit taste…

In the end I can see how they managed to sell so many CDs and have a fandom that counts significant numbers outside of Japan.

Her song ended a war.

Her song ended my string of Char likes jailbait jokes…

The Black Captain of the Nine. Do not pursue her! Far off yet is her doom, and not by the hand of man will she fall.

Ai Takahashi, Lord of Carn Dûm, is capable of taking out whole kingdoms as Arthedain, Rhudaur, and Cardolan found to their cost…

Their like I had long assumed was confined to 2D…

Little did I know that such was shojo heroine power that they were capable of becoming 3D; as such IN THE NAME OF THE MOON she punished me.

It was pretty much like having underestimated GARby, the consequences were quite drastic.

Kawamori then sent me this post card with a message, “MERRY CHRISTMAS ZENTRADI SCUM. LISTEN TO THEIR SONG! LOL newfag.”