Saving Yourself: A Short Guide for the Damsel Who Refuses to be in Distress

While there are many damsels in distress there are few damsels like Alphard. However any lass can become an ojou-sama from a distinguished family that has been continued for a thousand years, skilled in both literary and military arts,  with wit and beauty, the intensity of summer, the grace of autumn, the pride of winter, and the gentleness of spring…all it takes is effort. (Thanks to Kabitzin for letting me use his photoshops)

So since Hinano raged once again about lasses who could not save themselves I thought it was time to write the manual to help young otome everywhere learn how to look out for themselves. Certainly these days males have increasingly taken the hippie path and cower in fear at the mere thought of being drafted, some go as far as draft dodging before a draft begins, so as the not all males are men, as men do no cower and have a sense of duty to some one or something other than their own personal safety. I suppose with this hippie path that male pissants increasingly take, that it is time to make up for the shortfall and make comrades out of those women who have no desire to be coddled or held back by male puss cakes. While there is much talk of love being the highest relationship between human beings nothing could be further from the truth as comrades are in every way superior to boyfriends or girlfriends (who are by all accounts prone to treachery). The bond between two comrades can only be forged in the fires of battle, sealed through mutual bloodshed, and is guarded by the souls of the dead. Perish the fool who would dare betray such a bond!

The first thing that every lass who wants to be bad ass needs to do is take a bit of advice from the Jackal who once stated that, “You can’t break a man the way you break a dog or a horse. The harder you beat a man the taller he stands. To break a man’s will, to break his spirit, you have to break his mind. You see boys have this idea that we can fight with dignity. That there is a proper way to kill someone, it’s absurd it’s an aesthetic. We need to endure the bloody horror of murder? You must destroy this idea, show them what messy terrible thing it is to kill a man, and show them that you relish in it. Shoot to wound and then execute the wounded, burn them. Take them in close combat, destroy their preconceptions of what a man is and you become their personal monster. When they fear you, you become stronger, you become better, but let’s never forget that it’s just a display, a posture like a lion’s roar or a gorilla thumping at it’s chest. If you lose yourself in the display, if you succumb to the horror you become the monster. You become reduced not more than a man but less and it can be fatal.” If you can accept this much then it is well worth taking notes from the Great Prince Alphard who is pretty much the Queen of Summer as she has no equal. Unlike Hinano I do not discriminate and welcome any lass that is strong with the yuri to become bad ass and beautiful at the same time, only such people can be esteemed comrades.

You don’t have to be a damsel in distress to get BEST END, it’s less about finding some poncy prince than demonstrating your superiority long enough for other people to realize how great you are.

It is indeed a sad state of affairs that the damsel in distress has become so annoyingly common, but until Japanese women decide that enough is enough and they ditch their inferior men it seems that they will continue to fantasize about getting rescued. In truth such people will wait in vain and never know of the proper way of getting a partner. The problem is not only damsels in distress but also the low quality of boys that pass themselves off as men. It is sad that there are so many jack asses in anime and only a few like Patrick. While poor Patrick isn’t the smartest guy out there, only the AEU no Ace happened upon true love. His contemporaries however were very much a Japanese sort in that in order to remain manly they opted to make their women more oppressed to make up for their sissy girly man ways:  Saji downgraded Louise, Anew chose death rather than be with Lyle, and Haptism banished Soma to get his little play thing. If only more guys were like Patrick, who could respect the fact that marrying above them was a good thing, and admit that because they aren’t good at everything they need to find a woman who will make up for their short comings. At least God made it clear that Patrick got it right when poor Patrick got the BEST END and married the only woman of quality left in the series. Not that Kati got the short end of the deal either as she was in the enviable position of having a brave, if a bit dumb, man for a husband, whose loyalty is absolute and has no problem deferring to her judgment. Patrick also treats her like a queen and no matter what she did to him he always loves her and forgives just about everything. So in a sense after having spent most of her time on her illustrious career (Making Brigadier General is no small feat) she got BEST END too as her rival Sumeragi wasted her time chasing boys and got strapped with he stalker Billy. So at least there are instances of women finding guys without having to call out for rescue every five minutes, strangely though it happened in Gundam of all places instead of shoujo.

Never get caught in an alley without a pistol.

To be sure girls needing rescue is a persistent problem, in reality and in fiction, and the same solution comes up every time…weaponry. First thing every lass needs is a pistol, it’s the great equalizer and with proper training and enough range time, accuracy can make up for the small size of the round. Even a big man can be felled with a single accurate shot. However, I advise against simply settling for head shot (because that is just showing off), no instead use the three round rule, one in the head, and two in the heart. It is highly advisable that any aspiring bad ass lass should take a page from the reigning Queen of the Summer Season, Alphard onee-sama. Alphard has excellent choice in weaponry as she started out with the FN P-90 and eventually settled on the FN Five-Seven, every girl who wants to kick ass and take names should take note. Not only did Alphard go with a good reputable manufacturer but in choosing the 5.7x28mm rounds she selected a round with high muzzle velocity and low recoil, which is perfect for her desire to kill her target and have bad ass aim at the same time. The 5.7x28mm was also designed to punch through body armor so if Alphard ever has to fight an armored target at least she has a better chance than if she simply chose a 9mm. Given that the average girl who wants to be bad ass but not be built like a house, a .45 might give a bit too much recoil and Desert Eagle, while great for intimidation, is simply over kill and will probably destroy your accuracy if your intention is to get off as many rounds in the shortest span of time. Those who would do a woman harm often underestimate their targets if you have chosen your weapon well and have diligently gone to the tactical range as often as possible, you can make this their first and last mistake…

While understandably not all women who wish to be bad ass have access to legal weapons, but that is all the more reason to support one’s rights to bear arms. Even if an assailant were to have a weapon of his own so long as you have superior training and more lethal aim and killer intent you will be victorious as little boys often forget to take care of their weapons and usually have shit taste in guns. In any case lack of fire arms is no excuse for defeat, as tazers, pepper spray, Gerber knives, and your fists are usually legal unless your country just flat out sucks that much, in which case you ought to consider moving to a place where you can have an arsenal that can put the fear in any would be attacker.

While the FN Five-Seven is Alphard’s weapon of choice all those 5.7x28mm rounds she has work perfectly well with her FN P-90 when she needs to kill lots of poncy princes on horses.

I’ll be honest women have it hard, if you want to have that nice figure you are going to have to work your ass off in aerobics class. However looking gorgeous, delicious, and deculture, while being able to kick ass are not inherently incompatible. If you are of the opinion that you cannot look good and kick ass at the same time, you have self esteem issues and are fucking lazy and worthless to me and everyone else. In short such people are unwilling to be any comrade of mine and as a result will be dragged off to some loser’s bed in the event of war. No you can look good and kick losers into traffic by simply adding a few things to your daily workout. More likely than not you weren’t born pretty, you had to work for your waist line and as such you are probably more fit than most boys your age, in fact if you are a dancer you are by default more athletic than most people, only American Football players come anywhere near close in overall fitness. In line with this Alphard does have her own womanly charm, but despite her seemingly light build she has a lot of muscle mass behind it. Just like Bruce Lee it is not about how much brute force you can put out, but how good you are at economy of force. Like Alphard Bruce Lee was not built like a house, but he used his knowledge of human physiology to get the most out of every physical action. To be sure if you are capable of two finger push ups and the dreaded one inch punch you are a force to reckoned with, but more than likely you have yet to have such lethal skills, but nevertheless economy of force is important as one smart blow to the right weak point can have catastrophic effects on an opponent. Even in cases of disparity in strength redirection techniques like the ones you see in Aikido should suitably frustrate a single attacker until you can land the final blow. Always remember that Muhammad Ali did not simply say fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee for shits and giggles, even in boxing it’s about economy of force and not wasting your power attacks fruitlessly.

Just because Alphard was ambushed while wearing a dress didn’t mean that she was going to surrender meekly, that is why she is Damsel Dealing Death and not a Damsel in Distress.

Lastly there is the issue of what noble steed you should have. Certainly it seems that losers on horses are a dime a dozen, but fundamentally a horse is just as logistically troublesome as a tank. So instead of having a horse that is to be frank very fragile, it is far better to go with a tank or if technology allows mecha. At no point in time did a horse ever trump a big bad mecha, only in the case of Fuunsaiki, though admittedly the lose of being a horse was negated by being a horse that piloted a horse mecha. Nevertheless a guy on a horse with a lance is not going to do much against anything save for ill-disciplined infantry or unarmed people. Thus one should take up archery not only to look more like a lady, but to also be able to shoot out the horse from under the douche bag that calls himself a prince, that way you can possibly hear the clean snap of his neck as he tumbles to his doom While aesthetically archery seems much more refined and cultured do no skimp on sniper skills either as even a Barrett M82 is only deadly when it actually hits a target and no living animal on land can survive a direct hit with a .50 calibre round for very long. Even if death is not instantaneous you can enjoy watching the would be prince bleed out slowly as he calls for his mommy.

While Alphard has a petite build she has very little body fat and can thus deliver blows with more force than her small frame would suggest as one can see from the state of Canaan’s face.

While your martial prowess can far exceed that of any would be assailant never forget that such people will resort to dirty tricks to incapacitate you, so always have a battle buddy that you can count on when going out, keep positive control of your drink, and if that annoying guy asks one too many times break a few of his fingers as a warning. Remember you are the first line of defense in rescuing yourself, and to be sure if you will not do all you can to save yourself you probably aren’t worth saving and deserve to be a slave to some poncy prince. Never forget that a damsel in distress is probably a damsel deserving of death.